I do want to do something.

“Only bad people have regrets”
July 18, 2010, 9:55 am
Filed under: Blogroll

Is a quote that I read in Aristotle’s Nichomedean Ethics and that somehow relates to what I am about to say. This piece is particular because it addresses concerns that are comparable to points of tensions since they are layered and whole at the same time.
It is a about time, experience and perception. Again about organic residues which sometimes solidify into haunting and paralyzing images. About contemplating time while longing for some more, and observing seasons go by while remembering scenes dating from a year ago as if they were taking place today, as if time was a perfume.

“You still have time, I mean you are not 35”, she said while sipping her coffee.
What determines if you still have or don’t have time, and for what? For doing all the things you are suppose to do by that time, 35, to achieve, give birth, be recognized and loved while loving. What her sentence meant is that your time is externally determined and that you have to abide to its temporality.  In the past years, I have not only been abiding and giving in to these external impositions, but also challenging them. Age was never really my concern because I was always a step ahead; at 23 I was working in a museum, at 26 I had a masters, at 27 I started my own organizations, and now I am almost 30.

Fortunately, other things happen that can scramble this slick temporality, confuse it and hijack its routes. Things that you may not want to acknowledge but that are there and will be until you do. Pain is one thing, and fear is another (Why he could not get it hard remained a mystery to me. He  had given up on understanding, since there was nothing he said,to understand).

I am 30 now, and of what I have achieved or failed to achieve, little remains or little stays since success-imposed temporality is only immediate; the moment of success is already conditioned by the next step in that same path.  On paper, I have accomplished a few things in the last 5-years. I have decided to write them down, together with major events that have occurred in my life.

2006 (month?): I quick working at MACRO (museum of contemporary art in Rome) after two years.
2006 (summer): I decide to go to Beirut during the war to see my mother. I leave some of my things at Manu’s place.
2006 (Sept): I move to London from Rome.
2006 (October): My mother passes away.
2007: Spend the summer in London writing my thesis and go to Rome, where Manu and I break up.
2007 (end): 98weeks is established.
2008 (Beg.): I move to Beirut.
2008 (month?): I start working with Ashkal Alwan (after April)
2008 (summer): I go to Venezuela with my father (a couple of months before, my Venezuelan grand mother dies).
2008 (summer): I meet Fares, we date during the summer.
2009  (February): I start teaching at AUB.
2009 (April/ June): Fares and I start dating.
2009 (August): I move out of Marwa’s place and move in with Fares.
2009 (Nov): We open 98weeks Project Space
2010 (August): Thinking about something else.

It has been August since December, while I was already apprehending the summer heat. My apprehension kept me from being cold, in fact there has been no winter this year. There is an electricity cut and we are holding our breaths as to not consume the last blows of fresh air in the bedroom, the door is kept closed and my hair is wet from the shower I just had. If bad people are full of regrets it is because their acts or non-acts are conditioned by the temporality of success (taken in a broad sense), which dictates attitudes that can’t be ultimately justifiable because never experienced (when doing is solely driven by an outcome. When the motivation for an action responds to an external criteria). Within these CV timelines, events occur, which take you back, and forth again and where the future is reconsidered under an old light. (He decides to open the window because it is too hot in here).